Here’s the thing…. I really want to write. I want to blog. I enjoy reading other people’s writing. I get a lot from it and an immense amount of enjoyment from view different perspectives. I would like to have more time to dedicate to writing. Hell, I would like to just have time to dedicate to the things I have to do.
These last few weeks have NOT been a picnic. My health took a serious left turn. After multiple doctor visits and weeks of antibiotics because the first one’s didn’t work, I am finally catching up to all the things that I did not get done while I was waiting for my body to stop fucking with me. My doc has adjusted some medication and has me on a new regiment of things to take.
The bottom line is that what I have will never go away. This is something that will progressively get worse. All I can really do is take care of myself and try to maintain by making healthy choices. I will not lie. It makes me angry. It makes me sad. Every negative emotion I could have about this, I have been dealing with. I understand that all of this emotion is part of the grieving process for me to adjust to dealing with this but it would be nice to not go through it. While I am feeling physically better, the mental issues just do not heal as fast.
Between the above mentioned fun, my family has had a lot of things to deal with and it just keeps coming. We finish one task and there are 10 more in line waiting to take its place. Work, therapy, docs, homeschool, serious family issues, car issues, car accidents(our oldest son), etc… Right now, we are all burnt out physically and emotionally and we could use a serious break.
I digress from the original subject. Yes, I took a left turn but because of all the above mentioned things and a few others I didn’t are the reason I have not be able to write the way I would like. I am only now realizing that this will be a continual issue for a long time.
I have been beating myself up over this issue and others because there is just not enough of me to get everything done and especially those things I would like to do. (NOT just those I have to) It took me a little while to remember that this blog is about me and for me. It is not a race. I am writing this because I want to, because I enjoy it, because I want to share, and because it makes me happy.
What I fail to realize while I am in that “train of thought” is that I am cheating myself and by proxy, those who read my writings. I am so focused and worried about the deadline that I am missing the point. Maybe it just me, but if I am not enjoying myself and not allowing myself a little freedom in this, won’t that reflect in my writing? I want this to blog to be genuine and not another generic writing lost in the crowd.
Moral of the Story:
I need to change the way I think. I need to allow for my illness and restrictions. This not only applies to writing but to other things in my life. I need to understand that I can’t finish everything all at once and that what I do accomplish in a day matters. I can’t always help or be there all the time when I would like to help others but I am thankful when I am able. I am able to help someone this upcoming weekend and I am so glad I am able to do that. We will call her Ms. Sparkle Llama. I get to spend time with her and she is one of the few people in my life that actually understands me and what is going on . I am so glad that she is my friend.